CDC Warning -Energy Solutions Arena -stage 1

[TameKate]

(please do not think this is real. Strictly a Fan Posting in 4 parts)

CDC's National Report on Player's Exposure to Noise and Sensory Management Issues provides an ongoing assessment of players outside of The Utah Jazz's exposure to intense scrutiny and decibel levels using Bio-monitoring. Bio-monitoring is the assessment of exposure to scrutiny and decibel levels by measuring the damage intake ratio in specimens (players) such as skin and bilateral hearing tests, arena performance, nerve reduction or nerve damage intensities, hormone balance level blood tests and ongoing mental tests such as intelligence qualifiers and association exercises as well as speaking skills orientation after games at The Energy Solutions Arena.

This additional reporting process is to enable CDC investigators to publish results for the teams players for priority association groups (e.g. player to player, player to coach, and player to fan manipulations. As well as the performance anxiety claims reported to the NBA League.), as soon as possible in the peer-reviewed literature after a player's exposure to the noise and pressure offered by NBA's Loudest Arena – Energy Solutions Arena in Salt Lake City, Utah. CDC investigators will also seperately publish results describing group exposures to other performance related issues in the aforementioned arena.

With the ongoing epidemic across Utah only associated to visiting teams, metric results have been labeled “Priority One: Withdrawl Performance Analysis and Countermeasures”. Reports of this analysis and ongoing investigations into the bio-measuring are transmitted instantly to all visiting team medics, coaches and staff upon entry to The Energy Solutions Arena. Short results due to time analysis show that alternate measures need to be taken for the ongoing care of S.I.N.A.D. (Sudden Intense Noise Associative Disorder ).

Part one is a list of onset symptoms supplied to opposing teams medics and staff. If your players show any of these symptoms, please have them analyzed for damage due to the noise level within the Utah Arena :

1- Twitching of the outer extremities in a competitive or mirror like pattern to game shots.
2- Language skills reductions in an effort to impart gaming strategy instead of language communication to associated press and individual interviews in hopes that the Jazz Team will feel intimidated.
3- Tendency to attempt physical maneuvers only found in game, in dangerous outer-floor areas often resulting in breaking of limbs or skeletal damage and stair jumping.
4- Severe mirror association systems of megalomania in where the players imitate comedians - to the point of damaging social and physical boundaries. 
5- Chronophobia associated with the loss of gaming time to include self punishment to circumvent feelings
6- Innate nerve damage of the eyes and shooting hands
7- Domineering and/or abusive behavior that results in the rendering apart of staff or team members within their own franchise in an attempt to deflect the Alley-Oop manuever that Utah often pulls.
8- Intense impersonation psychosis to attempt to become one with the crowd associated with deviances including seat jumping, climbing rafters in an effort to become one with the Jazz Bear, ripping jerseys off fans in an effort to be mistaken for a Jazz Player and pretending that they have a better PICK-N-ROLL to the point of trying to perform said maneuver within the stand chairs often with physical repercussions and even tattoo's appearance with the Jazz Team Logo or Numbers.
9- Chromophobia associated with a color match for teams, afraid of the combination of gold in their uniforms due to the Salt Lake Crowd intense rivalry with Denver and L.A. (who both have gold in their colors).
10- Severe drug or alcohol abuse in a vain effort to infuse hallucinations of themselves on the Jazz Roster for the current game.
11- Severe head trauma and visual bruising as they attempted to intermingle with the Jazz Players to the point of sitting next to Coach Sloan during play review.
12- Fever, Sweats, Chills, Internal Organ Behavior Deviation once they see the Energy Solutions Arena out of the limo or bus windows.
13- Level 1 (Severe) Agorophobia to include limiting oneself to the televisions in their locker room in an attempt to pretend they are watching the Utah Jazz play at home instead of facing them in gametime.
14- Anthropophobia- Often believing that a group of people around you represents an ulterior plan to listen to your game strategy and then “mentally” transmit them to Coach Sloan during the game.
15- Identity associated abuse to include mistaking friends/relatives for rival Jazz Team members during game. (One reported abuse was a player hitting his coach in the jaw believing that he was really the Jazz Bear telling him how to loose the game)
16- Slur or repetition in speech that often resembles beeps, Scoreboard noises, crowd related chants of Boozer or MVP for Dwill or even ventriloquism.
17- Erythrophobia - Often associated with the misguided belief that their team has been annihilated by the Utah Jazz and they are the only player left to face the playoff team.
18- Insomnia associated with a deviation in gaming schedule to include either sleep deprivation and/or sleep abundance resembling coma-like symptoms.
19- Hallucinations of modern or everyday items into parts of the Energy Solutions Arena, not limited to shoving a basketball in the garbage disposal pretending to dunk on the Utah Jazz and tying up loved ones mistaking them for Jazz-Friendly Referees.
20- Kakorrhaphiophobia- to include paranoia that someone is playing the Utah Jazz and winning in their arena and excluding them from the game in a vain effort to keep them from scoring against Utah.
21- Histrionic Personality Episodes where the player seeks attention by media and fans exaggerating how they would have played for the Utah Jazz, but they could not afford someone of their “supposed” skill.
22- Early signs of Conduct Disorder where they panic when a referee makes a call against them – In Game – and believe its a zealous Jazz Fan who is out to sabotage their play. This often results in intense physical abuse and battery of fans and referees.
23- Intense musculature and tendon stress disorders where their jaw remains stiff and open in shock of the skill shown by the Utah Jazz, or in opposite, their middle fingers sprain and often tighten only in a “flipping off” motion because they have no good answer for the crowd's accusations and criticisms of their play.
10/08/09-NEPBHJR110911001