I Coulda Been a Contenda

Posted by Annie Whittaker on December 05, 2007

There aren’t enough nicknames in the NBA. It should be a requirement that all players have a registered nom de plume before they’re allowed to play in the league. Maybe we could all vote on our favorite nickname, it could be done at the same time as the All-Star voting. The all-nickname team for the East and West divisions could play each other as well as the best most voted for players who play in the All-Star game. This competition might encourage guys to come up with better names for themselves, or they could ask for someone’s help with naming, just as they might hire an interior designer to come up with a design for their home. Gilbert Arenas is a great example of someone who is always evolving, changing his nicknames. He officially announces in his blog when he wants people to start calling him something new. Right now I believe he wants to be called NACHOOOOOO! This could have changed since his injury, I haven’t visited in a while. Maybe he would rather be called the big Job (not job, Job–you know, the guy that kept getting kicked while he was down).

I was listening to 1320 KFAN (our local Jazz radio station), and Ben Bagley described Andrei Kirilenko’s relentless defense against Shaq as similar to that of a fly. So I started thinking about a new nickname for AK47. Not that I don’t like the automatic weapon reference, but maybe it’s time for something new. I thought of the Gadfly. This nickname holds multifaceted similarities for Kirilenko; not only does he have the ability to upset the status quo with his complaints, but he can bother and distract like no other player on the court, just like the horse fly or deer fly. According to Wikipedia; “horse flies have mandibles like tiny serrated scimitars, which they use to rip and/or slice flesh apart. This causes the blood to seep out as the horsefly licks it up. They may even carve a chunk completely out of the victim, to be digested at its leisure.” I can totally see Andrei in this role. He’s very scimitar-like. I don’t know about the licking up of the blood part. That would definitely be more of a figurative description, although I could see the rumors spreading and giving Kirilenko a whole new reputation. “Dude did you know that guy they call the fly, actually makes guys bleed and then licks it up right in front of them?” That’s some pretty tough defense right there.

I’ve heard the nickname “the Paperboy” being bandied about for Paul Milsap. Every time I hear it, I regress back to nightmares from the past. The Sunday paper after Thanksgiving, my parents; thus, my ride, were out of town, the bag that hung on my bike handlebars which usually held about 20 newspapers on each side only fit about 2 papers on each side because of the advertising inserts. And then there was the door to door collecting. Those newspaper companies sure were smart, or conniving might be a better term. Send a little kid out to get people to pay their bills. Right. As soon as the kid collects enough money to pay for the papers, all collecting stops. There’s no profit for the kid…..oh sorry, where was I? Needless to say, Milsap will have to get a new nickname for my liking. I much prefer Jonathan Kendricks suggestion of: the Contender.

2 Comments

RRR on December 05, 2007 said:

Though by definition Gadfly does indeed fit AK well, just saying the word sounds a little flighty. Almost feminine on the palate. Light to the touch as well as the tongue.

Not really what AK47 depicts! Fast, hard hitting and rarely will you hear the round that clips your grip or removes the ball from it’s intended path!

Mailman, taken never to be reused around these parts sans in appreciation to Malone’s years of delivering. Paper boys ride a bike right? How about the “Postman”, always rings twice ya know? Besides he delivers everything from letters to large parcels and will postmark those defending him as well.

kevinmark20 on December 06, 2007 said:

Postman is FAR too similar to Mailman. Millsap… Millsap… let’s do the Bulldog cause it ain’t the size (or age) of dog in the fight its the size of the fight in the dog.

The Contender isn’t bad for AK? But Gadfly? it’s a little…eh.

How about for Deron, “The Human Torch”? I like that, he burns his opponents with his wicked crossovers AND lights it up from all over the court. Yessir, that’s a good one.

Girecek could get “The Traveling Salesman” cause he always gets called for the travel (note to Gordan, don’t attempt a dribble, just shoot) AND he’s always trying to sell the fact that he needs more minutes.

Boozer could get “The Beast” because of his audible roar when he gets excited/upset.

For Brewer, let’s do… something that evokes high flying quickness and agility… hmm.. how about just straight up Batman.

And.. I’m done.

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