When Hollywood Comes To Salt Lake

Posted by James Seaman on August 22, 2008

For years now, I’ve been convinced that one day a misguided director will create a made-for-TV-life story about Robert Horry and Gary Payton. Based on physical resemblance, Will Smith will play the clutch-shooting, Steve Nash-attacking forward. Meanwhile, Don Cheadle will portray the trash talking former Sonics point guard. In a lesser role, Sam Cassell will, of course, be played by an alien. Take a good look at any of the three players I just named, and you’ll see exactly what I mean. Recently, I started to wonder which Jazz players would have famous actors imitating their every step. While the Horry, Payton, and Cassell pairings are based on physical appearance, some of the Jazz matches that follow take into account the way particular actors played their roles in certain movies. Without further ado, let’s see which thespians will claim the leading roles when the Jazz’s story hits the silver screen.

Deron Williams: Samuel L. Jackson in “Pulp Fiction.” Jackson’s character—Jules Winnfield—makes the right moves, utters the cool lines, and simply gets things done. While poised under pressure, he clearly has a chip on his shoulder that can manifest itself in a controlled rage. We see this from Williams when he literally takes a game over.

Carlos Boozer: Duane Johnson (The Rock). Boozer shares several key qualities with The Rock—both men can intimidate with their physical appearance, both articulate themselves very well when interviewed, and both are still waiting for their breakout performance. Boozer seems to have all the skills necessary to own the basketball world, yet perhaps he lacks some intangible quality required to launch himself over the top. In the same way, Duane Johnson almost looks too polished. He needs the gritty realism to nail that big role and become a bona fide star.

Mehmut Okur: Ryan Reynolds in “Van Wilder.” Aside from his shooting and rebounding ability, Okur’s unintentional goofiness and unbelievable luck can put a smile on even the dourest of faces. I definitely pondered this choice for a while, at first considering Sean Penn’s Spicoli from “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” and Keanu Reeve’s Ted Logan from “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.” Okur definitely has a stoner quality about him. He often looks like he just crawled out of bed, his hair sticking up and his facial expression a bit dazed. But Memo seems to carry some kind of crazy luck, as does Reynolds’ character. The man earned a championship ring in Detroit by mostly sitting on the bench, then signed a fat contract in Utah, and found himself on the All Star team when his frontcourt mate suffered an injury. Oh yeah, and he’s married to a Turkish beauty queen.

Andrei Kirilenko: Dolph Lundgren in “Rocky IV.” The AK-Ivan Drago match-up happens primarily on the basis of their shockingly similar appearance. Even though Lundgren is Swedish, he plays a Russian boxer in the fourth Rocky installment. The commonality ends there, however, as I can’t imagine the wiry-bodied Kirilenko getting into the ring with Rocky Balboa.

Ronnie Brewer: Laurence Fishburne in “Apocalypse Now.” Fishburne plays Tyrone “Clean” Miller, a happy-go-lucky kid from the Bronx with an infectious enthusiasm. Only fifteen years old when he landed the role, Fishburne actually lied about his age in order to convince Francis Ford Coppola to cast him in the film. In just his second NBA season, Brewer found himself starting, guarding the likes of Tracy McGrady and Kobe Bryant in the playoffs. Brewer increased his scoring average significantly in his second season. Like Fishburne in “Apocalypse Now,” he hasn’t allowed his age to stop him from playing with the big boys.

Kyle Korver: Ashton Kutcher. Duh, we all knew that was coming.

Matt Harpring: Russell Crowe. The actor’s off-screen antics make him the perfect man to play Harpring. Crowe was clearly born in the wrong century. He belongs in some corner of the British Empire in the 19th Century, fighting ruffians in a bar. Similarly, Harpring personifies the term “throw-back.” He should have played in a different era. Imagine Harpring battling Jerry Sloan for loose balls and rebounds, rather than taking orders from him.

Paul Millsap: Bubba Smith in “Police Academy.” Smith plays Moses Hightower, an imposing specimen with whom you simply don’t want to tangle. While Mahoney, Tackleberry, and Jones get the best scenes and funniest lines throughout the Police Academy series, Hightower always steps up to take care of the dirty work. He plays the bruiser, rough around the edges and soft spoken, but always reliable. The Police Academy cast would lack a key piece without Hightower. Certainly, no Jazz fan would want to imagine the current squad without Millsap.

Jerry Sloan: Clint Eastwood. Regardless of his age, you don’t want a piece of Sloan in a tussle. Enough said.

10 Comments

Jared Conger on August 22, 2008 said:

carrot-top could also be the stunt double for ashton kutcher in the role of KK.

J R Stewart on August 22, 2008 said:

“It’s like swimming in raw sewage! I love it! you hear me?, I love it!!! ” (Leslie Nielsen in Naked Gun) He could be the team physician (Airplane) with Kareem as his copilot, guiding the Jazz health and fitness program.

How about Side Show Bob, of the Simpsons, to play Anderson Varejao?

Great article!!!

Jazzaholic

pmannion on August 22, 2008 said:

Russell Crowe as Harpring. That’s classic.

Jared Conger on August 22, 2008 said:

so, whats new James? How’s New Orleans?

James on August 22, 2008 said:

hey j-rod. new orleans feels steamy as ever. having a good time, but kids came back to school this week so ridiculously busy…gonna try to catch up this weekend and crank out a couple blog posts. any cool ideas? oh yeah, and i don’t know anyone who makes commercials, videos, or anything. i only know lame teachers, sorry!

Annie Whittaker on August 22, 2008 said:

Never, ever compare Carrot Top to Kyle Korver again. I had a recurring nightmare as a child. It included an evil clown, and guess who looks just like that clown? You could compare Carrot Top to someone you might see in a dark corner in the new Hellboy 2 movie.

melanie on August 22, 2008 said:

I would definitely pay 8 bucks to see this movie, given the endless magnificent of possible shower scenes.

Justin on August 22, 2008 said:

how about leonard nimoy as ronnie price?

i always thought the dude looked just like spock.

John M and Kathy M on August 24, 2008 said:

Entertaining article James!

But you forgot a sure match: Kyrylo Fesenko played by Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies.

Punisher on July 15, 2009 said:

No ! Harpring must be somwhat like Matt Damon

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