Mr. Williams Goes To Washington

Posted by James Seaman on November 30, 2008

The news headlines have been filled lately with the names of Barack Obama’s cabinet nominees—some official and some still speculative. With a sincere desire to improve our country, I thought long and hard about which individuals would make excellent members of the Obama Administration. I didn’t have to look much further than the roster of our very own Utah Jazz. President-elect Obama (and I know you’re reading this), please consider the following:

Chief of Staff: Deron Williams
Obama needs a no-nonsense leader to get things done under pressure and keep the various cabinet superstars in line. Williams performs this job well with the Jazz, delivering the goods in the clutch and also managing to keep the egos of his teammates satisfied by distributing the ball.

Press Secretary: Carlos Boozer
Booz intimidates with his physical presence and wild tattoos, but he also gives a better interview than any other Jazz player. Boozer would certainly outdo his fellow Alaskan, Sarah Palin, in front of the cameras. He’d just have to do something about those caterpillars on his forehead that pass for “eyebrows.”

Secretary of State: Mehmet Okur
Hear me out on this one, because I’m not going for the obvious “He’s from Turkey so he’s international” angle. Rather, fate simply smiles upon Memo. He collected a championship ring in Detroit by doing nothing. He signed a fat contract with the Jazz and then reported to camp fat, but still managed to find success and become an All-Star in his second year with the team. And he’s married to a Turkish beauty queen. The guy lives a charmed life. In terms of a cabinet job, I want our Golden Boy out there winning friends and collecting favors on the world stage. If the leaders of other countries love Memo half as much as Jazz fans do, we’ll easily avoid international conflict with Okur in the administration.

Secretary of Defense: Matt Harpring
No, not because he blocks lots of shots and gets lots of steals (which he doesn’t). Rather, I want a Defense Secretary who can intimidate when we have to get tough in the international arena. While Harpring doesn’t look as imposing as some other Jazz players, I guarantee that anyone Harpring guards would rather negotiate with the guy than battle him.

Secretary of Education: Brevin Knight and Jaron Collins
They both went to Stanford, so they can share the job. This is a no-brainer.

Secretary of the Treasury: Andrei Kirilenko
Surprising choice? Consider the fact that the Jazz’s 4th best player is their highest paid. Kirilenko must know something about money, so I want him managing the nation’s finances.

Secretary of the Interior: Kosta Koufos
Koufos, surprisingly, has the potential to become a legitimate shot-blocker. I complained when the Jazz drafted him, but the kid seems to possess a tremendous upside. Look for Koufos to make Collins expendable heading into next year. Koufos’ raw talent and coachability mean he can be trained to protect the interior.

Secretary of Labor: Paul Millsap
This guy is all about hard work. He’ll crash the boards, block the shots, hit the floor, and collect the garbage points. Millsap knows how to put on the hardhat and grab the lunch pail. He’ll get our workforce energized and feeling productive again.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Kyle Korver
This position needs someone who truly has the interests of people and their families in mind. Every time I read something about Korver, it involves him providing charitable service to others. We just need to make sure all this giving doesn’t make him too soft…we still need Korver to be a ruthless killer from behind the arc.

Think the cabinet should shape up differently? Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.

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6 Comments

J R Stewart on November 30, 2008 said:

The Secretary of State, originally was called the Secretary of Foreign Affairs. I know Bill would be better than Hillary, because of all his affairs, but how about Bernard King, John Amachie or Deshawn Stevenson as Secretary of Foreign Affairs?

Jerry Sloan would be a good Secretary of the Navy, which was abolished in 1947, because of the tight ship he runs. Or, the old Illinois Farmer could be the Secretary of Agriculture.

How about Kevin O’Conor for Director of the CIA, which was cabinet level until 2001, because he seems to know all the secrets and has spys all over?

How about Gordon Giricheck for Secretary of Transportation? He would do that “European Shuffle”, just before driving to the basket and would get the whistle for traveling.

AK might be a better Secretary of Energy, for obvious reasons.

How about Olden Polinice for Secretary of Homeland Security? He was always posing as a police officer.

Jazzaholic

John M and Kathy M on November 30, 2008 said:

Great, great blog – we loved it! W should have had such assistance in picking his cabinet!

Boondock Saint on December 01, 2008 said:

Great blog and I loved the additional ones from J.R. If we are going to go with Secretary of Foreign Affaris I think you might have to go with Wilt Chamberlin, if he was still alive, due to his claims of over 20,000 indiscretions.

J R Stewart on December 01, 2008 said:

Wilt would be great, as would Shawn Kemp, but they have no Jazz ties.

Jazzaholic

Linda McFarland on December 04, 2008 said:

Loved the blog!!!!

JayD on December 07, 2008 said:

I loved the blogg , it must have been well thought out , good job .

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