Dill or no Dill

Posted by Alan Hinckley on December 12, 2008

As the first quarter of the NBA season slips into our rear view mirror, it is time for a bathroom break and a refill of stale popcorn washed down with a 6 dollar Coke. Here is what I have seen so far, the journal of a basketball junkie:

Oct 1^st – While trolling Andrei Kirilenko’s provocative website, I came across a shocking tidbit from AK in his own words, and it had nothing to do with him admitting to driving 200 mph in Salt Lake or his controversial decision to chose Evgeny Morgunov as one of his favorite actors. Buried deep in the “hobbies” section he drops this potential bombshell: “Recently, I’ve come to like dill”! That’s right, “dill”, as in the condiment. I would bet that phrase had never been uttered nor typed in the history of mankind until Andrei dropped it on us. Andrei, dill is nothing more than a gateway spice and before you know it, you will be experimenting with the heavier stuff like nutmeg, basil and cilantro. It’s a slippery slope my friend. Sure, you might think of your dalliance with dill as a harmless recreational escape. It is only a “hobby” as you put it, but the next thing you know you wake up in some seedy (pun intended) motel room covered in cayenne pepper and paprika. Just say nyet!

Oct 19^th – REM’s “It’s the end of the world as we know it” immediately popped into my head when I first heard that Deron Williams was carried off the court and then placed in a wheelchair during the first quarter of the Jazz-Bulls game. As Williams’ Nike-wearing left foot landed on Derrick Rose’ Adidas-wearing right foot instead of United Center hardwood, the result was a second-degree inversion ankle sprain for Williams and a third-degree full-fledged all-out panic attack for Jazz Nation. The Bulls Curse lives on.

Oct 31^st - Let’s get this straight. Morris Almond has just spent the last year on a stench-filled Greyhound, sitting next to a broken, over-flowing crapper, with Fesenko’s size 18 sweat-soaked bunions sticking in his face. He is traveling the scenic route from Sioux Falls to Bakersfield to Reno, living the high-life, sharing a “suite” at the Motel 6 next to a pawn shop and dining on 7-11 mystery logs. He travels home to OREM!, rolls out of bed and into 50 point games for the Flash and leads the league in scoring.

His Kobe-like scoring ability earns him a combined total of 39 MINUTES of NBA time on the court the ENTIRE SEASON, not even the equivalent of one full game and well, the Jazz have seen enough. The Jazz told him they would not extend his contract and the word was that Jerry didn’t like his defense. That’s like starting your first day at McDonalds and 39 minutes later, they tell you they think you will probably always burn the fries but hey, Carls Jr. might be hiring. “Uh, sorry Morris, your offensive stats are just too flashy for our liking and as you can see our defense cannot be penetrated”. Not only should he have been offered a contract extension, he should be granted sainthood.

Nov 3^rd – I AM IRONMAN! In Los Angeles, Paul Millsap GOES OFF and carpet-bombs the Clippers for an amazing 15 points in a span of only 4 minutes and 10 seconds! In four minutes and 10 seconds I could microwave and eat a Pop-tart or listen to Strawberry Fields Forever or run a half-mile, okay maybe a quarter mile. Madonna can save the world and The Ironman can drop 15 points! Fifteen points is a season for Jarron Collins and 2 seasons for his brother Jason. It was a career for Luther Wright.

Nov 9^th – The Jazz play in New York. I have no recollection of this game because I buried the memory in a very dark place and I would prefer not to go there. It is stored between my “shredding my hamstring” memory and my “11^th grade Junior Prom” memory. In its place, I have implanted a false memory of me playing catch with Bobby Brady and Joe Namath while Marsha is trying to tackle me.

Nov 19^th – Its 2:00 AM and I am stuck at a Residence Inn in Austin, Texas and for what will be the first of three consecutive nights, the Russian men’s gymnastic team is revving up their floor routine in the room directly above mine. It will be another 2 hours before the 5-year old next door with an octave range higher than Mariah Carey starts up. However, I can’t sleep much anyway because I have seen the future and I am frightened. Just as we have gladly welcomed and witnessed the self-destruction of the Mavs and the Suns along comes a new monster to deal with: The Portland Trail Blazers. I had just watched the Blazers completely dismantle the Bulls, who at one point were down almost 50 POINTS as Portland beat them like a drum. It was a horror movie. It was King Kong vs The Teletubbies.

Nov 21^st - In San Antonio, the Jazz were once again taken back behind the Alamo and received their usual old-fashioned whipping, but this time it was not at the hands of the usual suspects. The Jazz were not beat by Ginobli or Parker but by the horrifying duo of Mason and Hill. These guys sound like they should be doing my taxes or maybe some cheesy soft-rock duo from the 70’s. They could have been Peaches and Herb, but the defenseless Jazz made them look like Jordan and Pippen. Roger Mason, who two years ago was playing in Jerusalem and George Hill, a rookie out of college powerhouse IUPUI combined for 52 points! as the Spurs blew out the Jazz by 25.

Nov 26^{th -} As our economy collapses around us like the imploding skyline in the climactic scene of Fight Club, along comes Thanksgiving and Black Friday to the rescue. A one-two punch showcasing just what made this country great: gluttony and overindulgence. There’s nothing quite like a good old-fashioned, stuff-yourself-till-you pukefest, followed by a 4:00 AM trip to Wal-Mart to wander the aisles in a tryptophan-induced haze to boost the economy. Better still, there’s nothing like having a healthier Deron Williams back running the break, leading a dunkfest against the hapless Grizzlies, who had it coming for the Gasol give-away to the Lakers. The Deron Williams Bailout Plan was sorely needed and was just in the nick of time.

Dec 10^th The Jazz sit at 14-9 which is amazing considering all the injuries. Williams is still struggling to recover but is playing through the pain. Ten games in, his assists are currently Stockton-ish. However his shooting is slightly above Eaton-ish and his defense is borderline Boozer-ish. The Jazz are just missing their last piece to rejoin the team, they are patiently waiting for the big guy to suit back up and rejoin the team and all will be well in Jazz Land and when that happens everyone had better watch out. Come on Jarron Collins!

–Alan Hinckley

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2 Comments

Loren on December 12, 2008 said:

Great article!! Very funny.

cay dog on December 26, 2008 said:

Sooooooooooooooooooo funny! You rock, man!

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