A Presidential Interview With Jerry Sloan

Posted by Alex Jeppson on January 24, 2009

After one of the most historic weeks in this nation’s history, with the Inauguration of the first African American President, I thought it fitting to imagine what the world would be like if Jerry Sloan made a bid for the oval office.  People often complain about politicians being long winded in order to avoid issues, something you wouldn’t have to worry about with Jerry Sloan’s direct approach.  He would come to work every day, ready to grind it out in order to help fix a faltering economy.  Plus, diplomatic negotiations with him at the head would be short I imagine.  How do we deal with Iran sending troops to Iraq, the possibility of nuclear weapons in North Korea, and the Israeli/Palestinian conflict? Place the world’s leaders in the same room as the intimidating Mr. Sloan for ten minutes and they will cave quicker than Boozer defending in the post. (Yes, I had to get my cheap shot in)

All this got me thinking, what could we have expected from Jerry Sloan had he been part of the 08 Campaign? The result is an in depth interview with the coach himself. Despite lacking the credentials or importance for an real interview with the coach, I was able to take actual questions posed to this year’s election candidates and transpose them with past quotes from Sloan in Coor’s Light commercial fashion.  Here is the result:

Q. What is your biggest concern as you head into the Presidential race?

A. What I’m worried about is what’s out here on the floor. That’s all I’m worried about. Everybody has to perform out here on the floor, and we have to perform it a certain way. Not that my way is right. But we have to have a little bit of order. Otherwise, I’ve got a cesspool.

Q. What is your message to those hit hardest economic crisis?

A. It’s fairly simple and we wanta support ‘em in any way that we can and let them know we care about them, but the bottom line is you have to get yourself up by the bootstraps and whatever it takes to move forward rather than sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself and that you’re being mistreated,”

Q. You said that people will have to pick themselves up, what exactly do you mean by that?

A. I’m not asking them to be Karl Malone, but I think I have a right to hold people accountable. If I do that, then I’m being a little bit too harsh on them at times. But we have a tendency to think that no work is the best policy and that will cause you a great deal of trouble.

Q. Who or what do you think is to blame for this current mortgage and credit crisis? What is your plan to fix it?

A. I don’t know what’s going on. (But) it’s very obvious something’s going on. It’s just another day in the business, you know…that’s the way I expect it to happen, and maybe it happens tomorrow. I don’t have any idea, no plan.

Q. You have been an outspoken critic of how Osama Bin Laden was pursued after the successful invasion of Afghanistan, what would you have done differently?

A. Somebody should have knocked the hell out of him and got him off the floor. First of all, you should never let him get that far to begin with. You never know what’s going to happen. . . knock him on his (butt) and get him off the floor. That’s what I’ve got to do. I don’t care if they put me in jail.

Q. Let’s talk about your plan for Iraq.  What do you say to critics who challenge your position on troop withdrawal? Won’t that negate the progress that has already been made?

A. That’ll keep us alive. Otherwise, we’re probably dead. It’s pretty simple. It’s just like anybody. We’d like to stay alive a little longer.

Q. What are your feelings on the implementation of the troop surge? Has it worked effectively and were enough troops sent?

A. I thought we executed our offense pretty well. We’re still alive and that’s the important thing…size doesn’t make a difference, heart is what makes a difference.

Q. Moving on from Iraq, how would you deal with the diplomatic problems facing the US in Iran and North Korea?

A. We’ve got to do better in our offensive sets, especially the pick and roll…being able to set a tough screen is a must.

Q. Who will need to be involved if these diplomatic crisis are to be resolved?

A. Probably John [Stockton]…It’s unfortunate we couldn’t keep statistics on screens. That’s one of the most important things he does and that tells you a little bit about who he is and what he’s about, to try to make somebody else better. He wasn’t screening no midgets. The rules probably changed because of the way he set screens on big guys.

Q. What are your thoughts on the recent failures of the UN Diplomats with Iran over nuclear armament?

A. It looked like we didn’t belong. They just waxed us. Our guys looked afraid, and I hate to use that word… Our guys looked like they had their bags packed at halftime.

Q. Russia and Vladamir Putin have made news recently with their invasion of Georgia, what is your response to that situation?

A. They showed a little bit of an attitude about what’s going on out there… we were totally intimidated by the guy to start with because he had such free roam…maybe we should’ve been watching them.

Q. It appears John McCain will be the Presidential Nominee for the Republican Party, what are your thoughts on him?

A. He’s progressed a great deal. He’s a lively guy. A little wild sometimes. But he’s becoming more under control…

Q. How do you and Senator Clinton get along?

A. She’s a wonderful person and a very hard worker and we get along very well. She seems to be a happy person…

Q. I know it probably seems far off now, but have you given any thought to a nominee for Vice President?

A. Ostertag, definitely…Greg is like a son to me in a lot of ways, a lot of people don’t understand that, don’t believe that, but I’ve been very close to Greg, even though some things happened that got blown out of proportion.

Q. What’s the frustration level?  Compared to where you might have thought it would be right now?

A. I realize we can do a lot better and the expectations are there, but the important thing is that you do things right so you have a chance to win…Because when I get put in a corner, I’m not gonna just fold up like an accordion. I never have. I’ll try to do it the right way, and be fair, but I’m gonna put everything I have into it. And if that’s not enough, if it doesn’t work, fine…

Q. Do you feel calluses on your hands that you didn’t have when you got into this race?

A. Yes, But that would be happening if I was farming … It doesn’t make any difference. And farming’s a lot rougher work-wise than what this is.

Q. What do you say to those who question whether or not you have the stamina needed to be President for the next four years?

A. At my age, I don’t think it would be fair to anybody to have a long-term contract.

Q. I watched closely your countenance last night, your mien, as you stood in that hall. You didn’t smile much. Has the joyfulness of this hit home yet? Do you take joy from it?

A. I wished I could’ve crawled under the bleachers and got out of there a little quicker…

So, what do you think? He definetly would’ve had my vote.  On the brightside, Jerry did just extend his contract to 2010, leaving him plenty of time to gear up for the 2012 elections.

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3 Comments

Fredrico Frites on January 24, 2009 said:

Haha, very clever! I would vote for him. I think his no non-sense style is very much needed in Washington. Great article! You’ve gotta love it baby!

tomas on January 24, 2009 said:

very nice my friend

Andy on January 26, 2009 said:

Nice post. I like Sloan’s answers better then either candidate’s actual answers. He would have my vote. SLOAN-TAG 2012!!!

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