The NBA Freak Show

Posted by James Seaman on May 28, 2009

When I lived in New York, I loved taking the train all the way to Coney Island. You could spend a hot summer day on the beach, take some swings in the batting cage, ride the roller coaster, blow your money on impossible games that seemed easy, fill your belly with Nathan’s hot dogs, then get a beer in a styrofoam cup and drink it on the subway back uptown. But the best thing about Coney Island? The freak show. Five bucks in exchange for watching ten freaks do their weird acts on stage. Contortionists, bug eaters, people covered in tattoos, a guy who hammered nails into his face. A real live freak show in America. What’s better than that? Nothing, except maybe the NBA’s resident goof balls.

Trying to imagine the NBA in Coney Island, let’s examine the weirdest of the weird, the theater of the bizarre, the ten freakiest acts in professional basketball.

The Birdman

I’m not sure if the shot-blocking Denver forward’s name describes his high-flying, on-court antics, or his off-court, getting-high shenanigans. Okay, I know he’s doing a lot to turn himself around, but Chris Anderson seems like a Vanilla Ice-Spiderman hybrid who passed out at the tattoo parlor. Too bad the Jazz haven’t got a guy with Birdman’s energy.

Ron Artest

No one doubts Artest’s talent, but everyone questions his sanity. I just wish Artest could have battled Dennis Rodman when both men stood at the peak of their respective madness. It would have been like the climactic scene in Ghostbusters when Egon says their only chance is to cross the streams. Imagine an atomic explosion between two certified basketball nut jobs, replete with curse words, flying elbows, and molten chunks of the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man falling from the sky.

Richard Hamilton

How did the seemingly soft-spoken, mild-mannered owner of the league’s best mid-range game make this list? Anyone who wears a Hannibal Lector mask on the court every night earns huge freaky points. I’m always afraid he’s going to lose his cool like Jerry Stackhouse did as a rookie when he suddenly attacked Jeff Hornacek after Horny had lit him up all night. Except Rip will bite his opponent’s face off, then eat his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Dwight Howard

Howard makes the list based purely on his physical appearance. Has any human being ever fit the inverted pyramid ideal more perfectly than this freakishly terrifying specimen? Dwight Howard looks like a cartoon character, his boyish face cut and pasted on top of an artist’s unrealistic sketch of an absurdly muscular body, not to mention the fact that Orlando’s center can dunk on a twelve-foot hoop. The scariest thing about this freak of nature? He’s only 23 years old.

Nate Robinson

A 5’ 9” slam dunk champion? What in the name of Spud Webb is going on here? Robinson, a feisty fireplug of a man, was shot out of a cannon and onto the basketball court. Watching someone of Robinson’s height throw it down is like seeing my father dunk, and that would be totally freakish. By the way, the former Washington star averaged over 17 points a game in only 30 minutes of nightly action in 2008-09. That’s bench production.

Craig Sager

Every time Marv and Reggie send it down to Craig Sager for a sideline report, I expect to see the man climbing out of a clown car. One of these days, Sager’s interviewee will have a seizure at the sight of Crazy Craig’s latest, outrageously colored suit coat.

Stan and Jeff Van Gundy

The very thought of these two makes me laugh. Are they really brothers? Jeff must have been the runt of the litter, the neglected victim of Stan’s refrigerator raids growing up. How many times do you think Stan stole the steak or chicken right off Jeff’s plate? Either man can definitely coach—Stan currently has his Magic on the verge of the NBA Finals while Jeff took the 8^th seeded Knicks to the Finals in 1999—but they’re also both strikingly odd. While Stan has the raspiest voice this side of PJ Carlesimo, Jeff will always hold the title of freakiest Van Gundy for the time he grabbed Alonzo Morning’s leg and clung for dear life during the wild Heat-Knicks brawl of 1998.

LeBron James

This one might surprise you since James always seems so composed, a statesman for the game at the tender age of 24. But look at this guy. Has any human being on the planet ever held such unnaturally explosive power in his body? James is a freak by the true definition of the word. Like a number of other stars in the current generation of NBA athletes, James entered the league right out of high school. But unlike most others, he came ready to play, possessing a man’s body as an 18-year-old. The guy came into the NBA as a 6’8”, 240 pound teenager who could seemingly do anything with a basketball. And he’s only gotten better—and stronger—in the six years since. How good will LeBron James ultimately be? I’m scared to find out.

Greg Oden

Okay, as hard as it was to buy LeBron as an 18-year-old when he entered the league, I swallowed it. But I simply refuse to accept the notion that Greg Oden’s true DOB matches the figure on his driver’s license. The guy looks like James Worthy’s father. And he has the creaky knees to boot. Unless he turns out to be like Benjamin Button—getting younger as the years go by—Portland is cursed with this freakishly old young man.

Sam Cassell

I know he’s out of the game, but what would an NBA freak show be without an appearance by everyone’s favorite Martian? Word on the street says Sam has a starring role in the latest Alien v. Predator movie. Don’t worry, Sam, I’ve got the perfect guy to fill in as your stunt double—anyone have a phone number for Popeye Jones?

5 Comments

Trent on May 28, 2009 said:

This was good for a laugh! Someone could also put together a freak-show covering the entire history of the NBA.

Boondock Saint on May 28, 2009 said:

Awww thats good stuff.

J R Stewart on May 28, 2009 said:

E T call home.

Jazzaholic

John M and Kathy M on May 31, 2009 said:

Don’t forget Hofa! He came straight from the WWF via BYU.

Memo looks like he just woke up and often plays that way.

Hey, your dad can stuff anytime he wants in his dreams!

Nancy Thompson Mahler on June 03, 2009 said:

Great stuff!!!

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