League Needs Divisional Realignment

Posted by James Seaman on June 14, 2009

The NBA’s current divisional alignment is outdated and boring. David Stern, prepare to be blown away by the following proposal. Don’t worry about increased travel expenses for having Toronto and Los Angeles in the same division. My plan makes sense—at least as much sense as allowing the Sonics to leave Seattle or putting a basketball team back in New Orleans.

Misplaced Mascots Division
Also known as the Orphan Annie Division, these nicknames—including our beloved Jazz—just don’t belong.

1) Los Angeles Lakers. We all know Los Angeles has no lakes.

2) Memphis Grizzlies. Residents of Memphis barbeque cows and pigs, not North American bears.

3) Sacramento Kings. Attention, people of California: we have not had a king since we smacked the British in that little rumble called the American Revolution.

4) Toronto Raptors. As far as I know, there are no dinosaurs roaming the streets of this Canadian metropolis.

5) Utah Jazz. The Utah Bad-1980s-Synth-Pop would fit Salt Lake’s listening demographic more appropriately.

Ferocious Animals Division
Do not feed!

1) Atlanta Hawks. While I was running the other day, this crazy black-colored bird with red wings swooped down and kept trying to land on my head. I figured it was a red-winged blackbird. But imagine how much scarier if that thing had been a hawk!

2) Charlotte Bobcats. Franchise owner Bob Johnson actually named the team after himself, which isn’t ferocious. But real bobcats have sharp teeth and claws, which is rather frightening.

3) Chicago Bulls. The people who run with these beasts at Pamplona are idiots.

4) Milwaukee Bucks. The Giant Deer (or Megaloceros giganteus), which went extinct 11,000 years ago, stood approximately 7-feet tall and had antlers measured at 12-feet from tip to tip. Ferocious, indeed.

5) Minnesota Timberwolves. Fans in Minneapolis should simultaneously howl in order to intimidate the opponent.

Ferocious People Division
These teams will square off against the Ferocious Animals Division in an ABC Christmas Day special called Man vs. Beast.

1) Cleveland Cavaliers. First used by Shakespeare to describe a sort of swashbuckler in Henry IV, Cavaliers became defenders of their king during the English Civil War. (They could chop your head off with a sword).

2) Dallas Mavericks. An American classic, the image of the hardy, self-reliant cowboy fits perfectly with the sprawling, air-conditioned, SUV-laden suburbs of Dallas.

3) Golden State Warriors. Check out The Warriors, a cult-classic film from the 1970s about a Brooklyn-based gang that must fight its way from the Bronx all the way back to its territory in Coney Island. The dudes in this movie are totally ferocious.

4) Portland Trailblazers. I give complete respect to anyone willing to hike the backwoods of Oregon where the legendary Sasquatch roams.

5) Washington Wizards. I’ve read Harry Potter, and I know all about the freaky things wizards can do.

Non-ferocious People Division
Promoting a kinder, gentler NBA.

1) Boston Celtics. Well, at least they could drink you under the table.

2) Indiana Pacers. When I was a kid, calling a car a Piecer meant labeling it a piece of crap. That’s what we called Indiana’s basketball team.

3) Los Angeles Clippers. I’m pretty sure the Yankee Clipper (Joe DiMaggio) could beat the Clippers by himself in baseball or basketball.

4) New Orleans Hornets. Sorry, I had nowhere else to put them.

5) Philadelphia 76ers. Benjamin Franklin, John Hancock, and Thomas Jefferson were among the signers of the Declaration of Independence in 1776. These men were intelligent and inspired, but not ferocious.

Random Objects Division
No explanation needed here; these nicknames are just plain goofy.

1) Denver Nuggets

2) Detroit Pistons

3) New Jersey Nets

4) New York Knicks

5) San Antonio Spurs

Global Warming Division
Clearly the worst division in which to find yourself.

1) Houston Rockets. We may need to use rockets to get ourselves to Mars if the Earth continues to cook.

2) Miami Heat. Based on the team’s name, Miami has no excuse for not winning the Global Warming Division every year.

3) Oklahoma City Thunder. Scientists tell us global warming will bring super storms with plenty of thunder and lightning.

4) Orlando Magic. Anyone know a magic spell to cool the steadily rising global temperatures?

5) Phoenix Suns. Make sure you lather on plenty of SPF 30 if you plan to play outside this summer, people of Phoenix.

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5 Comments

David on June 14, 2009 said:

Nice, but which three do you put in the east and west? And as much as I would like to be in the same division as the Raptors and Kings, not so much with the Lakers.

JAZZ FANATIC on June 15, 2009 said:

HA HA! THIS ARTICLE WAS REALLY FUNNY!! I GUESS I NEVER THOUGHT OF THE MASCOTTS LIKE THAT!!! BUT I HAVE A QUESTION, IF WE ARE THE UTAH JAZZ HOW COME WE HAVE THE JAZZ BEAR FOR OUR MASCOTT?

Boondock Saint on June 15, 2009 said:

Good stuff except that I would definately put the Celtics in the ferocious persons category and move the Wizards to the non-ferocious division. Even when drinking you under the table the Celts are not the people I want to square off against in a boxing ring or elsewhere.

Jeffrey on June 15, 2009 said:

I think it is funny that Magic is in the Global Warming Division and the Wizards are in Ferocious People when Wizards use magic.

utahjazzrock on June 20, 2009 said:

Hahaha.
Nice, funny article.

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