Dodgeball- It’s Like 4 Games In 5 Nights

Posted by Andy Larsen on September 15, 2009

A couple of weeks ago, we posted information and videos about the “Dodge Barrage”, a charity dodgeball tournament hosted by Deron Williams, Kyle Korver, and their respective charities. In the comments, you all suggested a Jazzbots team, and I was the only one young and foolish enough to think “Hey, maybe that would be a good idea!” A gazillion emails later, I had finally convinced enough people to get a team together, and luckily they let us in to the tournament. They made a mistake.

I showed up at 10 AM (our games began at 1) to complete registration for the tournament, watch the teams and get a feel for the event. They piled the 10 event T-shirts on me, as well as the wristbands, schedule, event packet, waivers, etc. As I waddled into the courts at the Zions Bank Basketball Center, a dodgeball screamed past and hit the wall 6 inches from my head, causing me to temporarily be in everyone’s way as everything fell to the floor. I managed to get everything up to a spot in the bleachers to watch the rest of the games. And it was frightening what I saw.

First: the uniforms. Every team had some sort of official, if not officially goofy uniforms. They all matched in corporate, team, or relational pride. On the other hand, I had told everyone who was coming to wear something with Jazzbots on it, and failing that, something Jazz related. Not quite stringent enough. I ran to Walmart, bought the cheapest white T-shirts I could find in various sizes, and a pack of Sharpies. These would be our uniforms.  I sat down and watched some more dodgeball.

About this time, the rest of the team showed up, all on time, all with a little bit of excitement and tension with what they were about to face. They had foolishly signed up for an event in which being pelted with balls thrown as rapidly as possible was the entire theme. I explained to them the rules, and then required that they decorate their “uniforms”, and should probably write Jazzbots on the front somewhere.

It should be pointed out that every single team was better than us. They all were either athletic, gigantic, or had some unexplainable talent at catching and throwing dodgeballs.  We, on the other hand, are writers. Worse, I am a stat geek. These are not the usual demographics for athletic success. Still, I thought we might have a chance. On the schedule, we were playing a team named “Average Joes”. Clever reference to the “Dodgeball” movie, but unlikely to be a great team.

Then Deron Williams, Kyle Korver, and the rest of their buddies came out. Still in my “Average Joes” mindset, I thought they were just saying hi to the crowd. It took the rest of the team two minutes to convince me that we were actually playing them. They were the Average Joes.

Imagine this moment: you’re warming up to face incredible athletes, including athletes that you criticized in a post last year for their penchant for too many turnovers. The referees then call the two teams together, explain the rules, as Deron Williams and the entire other team stare down at you from three inches away. Then after about a minute of this, you’re instructed to go to the endline, and run as fast as you can to pick up balls in the center as they charge at you. We all stayed at the baseline as the starting buzzer sounded.

They made remarkably quick work of us. The games were best of 3, and in the first game, we were quickly down to just Jeff, who did a good job of avoiding being pelted until the entire team decided to throw at him at the same time. In the second and third games, Jeff’s fate was somehow transferred on to me. I ended up being the last one out in the last two games, including when I actually caught a ball from Deron! Alas, as soon our team member ran out he was pelted, and it was back to me to withstand the “let’s throw all the balls at the same time ridiculously quickly” treatment.

We played 5 more games, best of three against other teams, and we lost all of those too. Everyone else apparently practiced. But we got some time to mingle with the players, in fact, some of them even came up to us instead of the other way around. We got autographs, pictures, and even interviews. And the right side of my body was sore Sunday, Monday, and probably Tuesday.

Deron and Kyle’s team ended up winning their own tournament. Lame. Still, we made them try. Deron’s Twitter account after the tournament said: “Also I felt like I just played 4 games in 5 nights. Dodgeball is harder than I thought!” At least it’s the offseason.

8 Comments

Jeff Winget on September 15, 2009 said:

I’ve already started working out for next year. I want some revenge!

Thanks for setting this all up, Andy. It was a great day, and even though getting pelted during the “let’s throw all the balls at the same time ridiculously quickly” (thanks Deron!) treatment was seriously painful, I had an absolute blast. We’ll get them next year–stat geeks and writers unite!

Annie on September 15, 2009 said:

Andy, you’re being too humble. To everyone reading this, don’t let the “stat geek” line fool you. Andy is a monster at dodgeball. He was the last one standing many times. And he was really good at dodging. Thanks Andy for your work getting things together. Annie

P.S. I’d say we could start practicing in January for next year, where we will indeed crush the other teams.

Sheri on September 15, 2009 said:

I was hoping that someone would blog about this I brought my mom with me we ended up at the Zions Basketball Center as spectators and not participants although being a participant would’nt be that bad.

We got there about just before nine in the morning because we just didn’t know how many people were going to be waiting we really didn’t wait very long in line just a few people in front of us. As we made are donation to the Christmas Box house got a wrist band and went into the basketball center in which I have never been in before. We found a place to sit close by the team we came to cheer on.

As I observed what was going on with the teams and dodgeball in general I just had to laugh at what was going on I just could’nt help it.

We were there at 9 until 12 it was so much fun. I told my mom there is Deron Williams with his camcorder he looks so different when he isn’t on the basketball court. It was great not only to see Deron and Kyle they both were laughing it looked to me that they were having a lot of fun.

It was a fun event

Nancy Thompson Mahler on September 15, 2009 said:

Great job Andy!! So funny, after reading your post I almost felt the joy in your pain

Boondock Saint (Zak) on September 16, 2009 said:

Well Andy I remember you posting way back when that first suggestion of a Jazzbots team came out that, while your throwing arm was lacking, you could catch a ball thrown at ya even by Deron. Sounds like you were true to your word man. I’m definately going to have to show up next year.

P.S. I would have stayed on the base line too.

Linda Kay on September 16, 2009 said:

Hey, I lost track of the event. Darn it!!!! My husband said he would be happy to drive to Salt Lake for the event. I thought I would be a great cheerleader. It sounds like the Jazzbots represented all of us well and had the soreness to prove it. Next year I will do a better job of keeping track of everything. I love these blogs.

Andy's Mom on September 18, 2009 said:

Hey, I’m not surprised to hear Andy did so well dodging that ball that he ended up last on the court several times. The kid is so skinny that all he had to do was turn sideways! Plus, he’s a quick lil bugger! Next time you see him, tell him to eat something!

Linda Kay on September 19, 2009 said:

I wish my mom hadn’t told me to eat something because ” children across the ocean were starving”. I did it and I am not a skinny thing!!!! Don’t worry mom, as years come soooo often so do the inches.

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